Hi. If you have seen FRIENDS, this is a classic Ross-ism, and it totally encompasses how I am feeling right now. Instead of going into some long-winded list of excuses why I have basically ignored this blog for the better part of a year, let me just tell you that this year has not been an easy one and my life has basically exploded in every possible direction that it can.
Two weeks ago (yesterday), my mother passed away. This was both quick, and unexpected. She wasn't sick with a terminal ailment, and she definitely did NOT commit suicide. I don't actually even have a cause of death. She was awake in the morning, and then... she wasn't. With everything that has been going on in our lives this year, it feels as though it was just too much for her to take, and so... she just left. The entire experience was perhaps one of the most (if not THE most) traumatic of my lifetime. I woke up that morning to go babysit for M's boys (potentially to be heretofore referred to as "the M&Ms"), walked into my parents' bedroom to wave goodbye to my then awake and alert mom, and when I returned only two hours later, I was watching fire trucks pull up to my house, and a team of men run through the door. Needless to say, I parked as quickly as I could, and booked it into my house. I watched as the men pulled my unconscious mother out of the bedroom and onto the empty dining room floor. I watched them try several different techniques to revive her. And, heart racing, I watched as my mother slipped away from me forever.
What has transpired over the last two weeks has been some of the most emotional (for lack of a better word) weirdness I have ever come to know.
For starters, there is no way to know when I will start crying. Or what kind of cry it will be. Sometimes it's a quiet stream of tears running down my face. Sometimes it's an explosion of hard crying that lasts for a brief few minutes. It's incredibly inconsistent and impossible to time, though I do notice that it happens more frequently in the evening, which is not surprising. I even had a panic attack the other night, when it suddenly hit me all over again that my mother was no longer a part of my future. FAB handled it beautifully, as I can only imagine what it's like to have your girlfriend of almost two years look into your eyes, confused and terrified, and kind of like she doesn't know who you are.
Then, there are the questions. Weird questions. The strangest shit pops into my mind. Does she know she died? Did she know when it was happening, or did she just fall asleep and not wake up? Did she dream about it? Can she (her spirit) see me? If she can see me, does she feel bad for what I'm going through, or what I had to watch? If so, does it make her cry? I have this, awful, denial-based feeling that she'll walk through the door, tears in her eyes, and come hold me and say "I'm so sorry you had to see that, it must have been terrible." I'm fully aware that she isn't coming back... and yet, I wait for her, like she's on some extended vacation.
There's numbness. A lot of numbness. People talk, and offer condolences, and hugs, and all I see is their mouths moving. I can't focus on almost anything - work, school, life in general - and I sometimes get the impression that I probably shouldn't be driving. Sometimes, I don't want to even be touched. It's a wonderful thing that so many people care enough about me to offer a tender embrace, but at times it gets downright claustrophobic, and it serves as more of a reminder that my mom is no longer with me than a symbol of care and concern. And there's always the constant, nagging stream in the back of my mind, circling like a mantra in reverse - "my mom is dead, my mom is dead, my mom is dead." People can talk about damn near anything, and in my mind, all I can think is "that's nice, my mom is dead," "oh, you had a bad day? I don't have a mom anymore." I don't want to throw myself a pity party, but I almost can't help it.
The strangest things will set off the waterworks. Only a few days after she passed, I heard two Marvin Gaye songs, and one Stevie Wonder song on the radio, and I was convinced it was her doing. I found myself crying. The Beach Boys "All Summer Long." She had this ridiculous way of singing along with it that I'll never forget. Tears. I don't even want to know what will happen if I listen to a recording of the infamous Muppet song "Manamana." It might be the only time that song has ever made anyone cry. Even remembering her reaction when I told her M wanted to take me (with FAB) on her trip to Paris. She was so excited, she let out a scream like someone was trying to murder her. Also... all the things she did that used to annoy me, I now miss. I never thought I would miss her coming into my room when I had friends over to make a little conversation... and now I have one of her dresses (it happens to be my favorite) hanging on my bedroom door because it's almost like she's standing there.
I can't stop thinking of all the milestones she'll miss in my life. She'll never see me get married. She'll never hand-jive with her grandchildren. She'll never even see me become a teacher. And it extends further. She won't watch me and FAB be on-camera diners on a Gordon Ramsay show. She didn't see the absolute, unabashed joy on my face for the 110 seconds that *NSYNC reunited on the VMAs (a moment so powerful to me that for those few precious moments, my mom wasn't dead). She won't get to see the Marvin Gaye movie with Jesse L. Martin (which she TOTALLY called way before it was even being discussed). Hell, she didn't even make it to football season this year, and the house is so quiet without her passionate screaming for the Raiders, it's disturbing.
The hardest part of all of this is that the world doesn't stop, even for a tragedy like this one. I took two weeks off of work, but I had to go back today because I can't just stop getting paid. I still have to go to school (especially since it's the last two weeks of the quarter) two nights a week. I still have to help my dad trash, donate, and pack up 30 years worth of stuff in the only home I've ever known so we can move out and prepare to sell it. Let me tell you, having to get rid of my mom's stuff so soon after she passed was no picnic. It almost feels like I don't have time to grieve.
My mom was an energy. Every single person who ever knew her has said that in some way. She was vivacious, and bright, and loud, and funny, and emotional, and unapologetically herself. I have her smile. I can hear her voice in mine. It's because of her that I can spell, dance, and cook. She taught me how to talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. She proofread my papers. She got stains out of my clothes. She taught me to appreciate the music of Motown. She loved my boyfriend like a son before she even met him. She is the reason for the namesake of this very blog.
My mom made a bigger impact on my life than she will ever know. I only wish I could have told her. One last hug. One last "I love you."
I love you mom, and I will miss you, every day for the rest of my life.
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| My First Birthday |
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| Meeting FAB's Parents |
