A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes, but I Left my Heart in San Diego...

Time to take a break in the Music Challenge ('cause if I don't, today's song would leave me completely exposed and I just can't have that on the internet forever) and just tell you about some things that have been rolling around in my little head.  Forgive me in advance, I may ramble.

Like, for example, that I have been feeling sort of like I'm threw myself really hard at a Velcro wall, and got stuck there.  I've been living in LA for almost a year.  Since moving here, I have had relatively little success.  Sure, I got a really cool gig as a post-production assistant on a major motion picture, and I learned a lot.  But that only lasted for three months... which doesn't look so great on a resume, no matter what you say in an interview. 

Now, I'm in a position where I'm (basically) being forced to be an intern until someone decides that I've gained enough experience (unpaid) to hire me as a full-time employee.  Most places ask for a minimum of one year (usually two) of experience.  And I can't really afford to work unpaid anymore.  On the upside, I just had a really cool opportunity to drive around a Swedish director, for which I am getting paid.  I am now officially on the payroll at one of my internships.  Great, right?  Well, yes and no.  Yes I'm on the payroll, but I will only be paid for project work, or part time hours.  So I'll get paid, but only sporadically.  At the moment, it looks like I'll have enough spending money for my trip to Israel (in three weeks!!), but nothing promising enough to save up for any long period of time. 

So why am I miserable?  I came to LA to work in the Entertainment Industry, and I finally got my foot in the door.  By myself, no less!  I should be really excited, right?  You would think so, but actually, the second I signed my name on that W-4, I was overcome with a wave of panic.  Call me crazy, but that's not how you're supposed to feel when your dreams come true.  Which brings me to the second half of this blog...

After being in LA for so long (I know a year isn't that long, but when you've been unemployed for more than half of it, believe me, it's a loooong time) I am coming to realize that I don't really know what I want to do in this industry.  I don't really know what I'm cut out for.  I have a major lack of direction... and in a job search... that's a HUGE problem. 

Not to mention, all of my friends are still back in San Diego.  All of my closest friends, that I made my life with, are far away from me... and the broker I get, the harder it is for me to visit them.  And with all of the struggling in LA that's going on... I'm feeling a stronger pull back to San Diego than ever.  I need to be with my friends, I need to be away from my parents, I need to be back where I'm comfortable, and I need to make enough money to stay there.

I have been running my job search, full-speed, back to San Diego.  I have been scammed twice in a week's time, sending me on an emotional rollercoaster (for a number of reasons) and its wearing me down.  Hard.  With every job rejection, I feel more and more like I should never have left in the first place.  With every scam, comes the promise of moving back, but then reality hits.  And my heart breaks a little more each time.  When I said I feel like I'm stuck to a Velcro wall, this is what I'm talking about.  Now that I don't live in San Diego, it's even harder for me to get a job there.  People are much more willing to take a local than someone who has to relocate.

I remember when I was first considering moving to LA.  One of the first (and most prominent) fears I had was that I would move up to LA, and get stuck here.  I really didn't want to move.  I resisted as long as I could.  And now... I'm exactly where I said I'd be.  Stuck.  The longer I stay, the less I want to.  So come on San Diego... pull me back.  Please?